asma halai's blog

“Asma, you don’t need to air out your business online. What will someone think if they read this? This is so unnecessary, and you should keep to yourself.”

Shame. That’s where it’s coming from. Those thoughts were coming from a place deep within me that was ashamed. Fearful of what others will think of me and ashamed. Now, let’s be honest: each and every one of us has made so many mistakes; we’ve done things we are ashamed of. We think about them and ruminate on all of the what if’s. But what if we stopped being ashamed? What if we took every present moment as it is, not dwelling in the past, and rather than being ashamed of our past, we embraced it? Embrace the lessons it has taught us and the teachings that we can use from it to apply to our present moments, because you actually wouldn’t be exactly where you are if it weren’t for the past.

In Islam, there’s this concept of not sharing your past sins. At first, I didn’t understand. I thought not sharing your past was being inauthentic and not fully accepting youself, but now I understand it. I thought sharing my sins with friends and family would be how I got rid of guilt and shame. But it didn’t work for me. It actually reinforced ideas and made it harder for me to work through certain things. Share your life, talk to people, and build strong connections, but I don’t think basing the whole relationship on your shortcomings is a good idea. Because you are so much more than your mistakes.

Society as we know it has conditioned us to become obsessed with shame, shame of ourselves, shame of other people and shame of our environments. It’s actually really messed up; it’s like we’re all conditioned to cohabit in this unattainable reality of things we think we want (but actually don’t), and when we fail, they shame us. What if I told you that the feeling of shame is actually the worst possible thing you could do for yourself, and it’s creating invisible blockades for you to live your life? See below.

I think you should just live and experience life truly. Get off that damn phone and go outside and talk to people. Do what feels right, not good, but right, to you. Why do I emphasize righteousness and not goodness? Wonderful question, it’s because of my religion. See, Islam has literally all the cheat codes you could ever need embedded within its teachings.

Sometimes we follow our nafs, our desires, our “self”, our “ego”, and it’s actually the worst possible thing for us, but it just feels so good in the moment, it feels like you’re doing exactly what you’re meant to do, but really it’s a trick to go after a fleeting emotion. Oftentimes, we get wrapped up in the advice of others, and due to that, we tend to forget our inherent worth and also right and wrong, we get sucked into doing things we don’t really want to do because everyone else is convincing us it’s right. But it’s not our right, it’s their right.

Let’s take kids, for example. Why do kids need parents? There are a lot of reasons, but a big one is to guide them and to tell them right from wrong. I still think of myself as a kid in some ways, and I go to my parents for so much, but I’m also 22. That’s young to some, old to some, but to me, it’s exactly how old I am. I don’t know much, but I know some things, and every day I learn more. When I was a small kid, I made decisions based on my parents’ guidance (well, mostly), then I became a teen, rebelled a lot and hid pretty much my whole life from my parents. I thought they were nothing like me. Then I hit 21. That’s the year I realized that my parents are kinda awesome. Yeah, they made mistakes, but for my whole life, that was my focus: their mistakes. I think I did that a lot; I focused a lot on people’s mistakes and did my fair share of character assassination, but I’m changing now. Now I see my parents for their strengths. I see them for their resilience. I see my dad for his morality, his steel heart (when life gives you tangerines reference) and his silliness and more. I see my mom for her quirkiness, her kindness and her compassion and more. And I finally realized they were on my side the whole time, I just didn’t see it because I was so focused on their mistakes, when really that was a minute (adjective) part of our story. The things I didn’t like about them, are now my favourite things about them, but now I’m going to share my most favourite part of the way my parents raised me.

My parents let me learn shamelessly.

Learning is a very special thing, its cruicial to our being as humans. I think every day we learn something new, conciously, subconciously or both. A big part of learning is that it’s unique for every learner, and that’s what makes it so special. Sometimes we learn things that everyone else approves of, and it’s a celebration, but then sometimes we learn things that they don’t, and then things start getting a little wobbly because that sneaky little thing called “self-doubt” starts trickling in, but that’s why you gotta learn shamelessly and with AUTHENTICITY. If you do that, those little “self-doubt” termites wont even stand a chance.

So how do you learn shamelessly? The thing is, I’m actually not entirely sure, but here’s what I think, and if it resonates with you, add it to your cart.

I think it’s all about foundation. Think of a building. Any building has to have a strong foundation for it to stand. If it doesn’t, over-time it will fall. Unfortunately, we’ve been taught that if the building has been built, and the foundation is wobbly, you have to keep calling the handyman every other week to do small repairs, and just ride it out until the inevitable fall of the house. But what if there’s another way…what if it’s actually completely okay for you to sell the house, take a deep breath and start building a new house, slow and steady, brick by brick, and this time, with a strong foundation, with tawakkul.

My Chachi told me something this past June that I carry with me in my pocket,

“It’s never too late to change your mind.”

The point is that everything will change, eventually. And instead of being scared of change, embrace it, and see the good in it and remeber that there is a constant even when sometimes it feels like there isnt, there is. Allah SWT is The Constant. Instead of listening to your “nafs” all the time, listen to the divine guidance that’s already been given to us.

You’re gonna have bad days, you’re gonna have days when you really mess up. But those bad days and experiences only prove that you’re going to succeed. My sister helped me understand that. If you’re a stats person (I’ve recently joined a stats class) it’s like normal distribution, it’s all gonna balance out.

Imagine this. Imagine you’re deliberating a really important decision in your life. Now imagine, as you’re deliberating and pondering this topic alone in your room, there is an emergency board meeting going on in your head. A full round table affair. Each of the opinions of your friends, family, other people family, random people ect are all personified and are sitting on that round table screaming at each other and fighting with one another. Then, if you look closely, there’s this little figure, at the front of the table, with her head down, face planted on the table. If you look at her name tag, you’ll read, “CEO”. I was that CEO. I was the CEO who was so overwhelmed and bamboozled with listening to others’ opinions over my own that I just shut down.

And then there was a click. I don’t know when, or how, or what was going on in my prefrontal cortex, but something changed. Now, when I close my eyes and imagine that board meeting, there’s still discourse, there are still arguments, but now the CEO leads the meetings and gets the final say. No one else.

You are worth so much, so much more than you even think you’re worth, and I think the best thing you can do for yourself sometimes is to believe that and listen to yourself and put all your trust in Allah. Rely on Him. Even when your mind tells you all sorts of things, fight through it. Because there are no two you’s. There is only one you, one you that experiences your life and no matter how close a friend you have, or how amazing a parent you have, they are simply not you. Talk to people, build connections, but remember that the only person who has a totalitarian view of your life is you. We all need guidance and help to get us through things, but remember to make sure that you are the CEO of that meeting.

thanks for reading ,

until next time.

your friend, asma