asma halai's blog

Recently, I have been grappling with the idea of “self”. Who am I? What are the things I identify myself with? What am I like? My final addendum settled on the idea that I am not who I think I am; I’m everything everywhere all at once. That movie single-handedly changed my life and brought to my realization that I put myself in too many boxes. Putting myself in boxes was okay, at a time, because it offered my mind solace in the idea that there was finiteness within myself, but eventually, even my perceived finiteness became infinite.

We overthink, grapple with ideas, and make bold statements of things we would “never” do, but then it all comes crashing down sometimes when you are faced with that reality. I have made so many mental promises to myself that I will never do certain things, then the universe brings the opportunity in front of me, and I do the exact opposite. Why? Why do we do this?

I think it’s because we don’t trust our thoughts.

Every thought you think has an impact. A big, quantum, vibrational one. We think that our thoughts don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Our actions don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. And consequently, we don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Thought: You think, “You’re overthinking it, it’s not that serious”, in the moments you’re genuinely thinking as clearly as you’ve ever thought. Action: You think “Protests literally do nothing,”, when protesting against injustice has changed the world as we know it. Self: You think, “You’re just one person, what are you gonna do?” when Prophet Muhammad, Prophet Ibrahim, Prophet Musa, Imam Hussain, Imam Ali, Nelson Mandela, Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King Jr. and Rose Parks exist.

We lose our power because the second we think, we don’t matter, is the same second where the universe will project back to us that we don’t. They want us to lose our power because it makes them stronger. Who is the “they”? I’m not fully sure; some say Illuminati, some say Freemasons, some say the government. I think it might be yourself, your nafs. The “they” might just be your own mind.I don’t really know, to be honest, but I don’t think who they are really matters; it’s just the awareness of what they’re doing that is what’s important to me.

How can you say one person can’t make a change when people single-handedly have? I believe that Allah sent down the stories of the Prophets in the Quran, as divine guidance. We are meant to use the stories of the Prophets as inspiration for our own lives. Think of the Quran as the most advanced textbook ever created, for the most difficult course you’ve ever had to take. Allah created it so intentionally that even those who want to do evil and spread harm are revealed. People who say “Your book tells you to hit your wives”. No, it doesn’t, but you’ve already decided that’s what you want to think of this religion, so think as you wish. The idea is that some people set themselves in stone, in their ideas, their beliefs, their identity. But what happens when you set yourself in stone, you can’t move.

I’ve had many moments where I questioned, I’ve questioned what an ayah in the Quran meant, it makes me uncomfortable even. And in those moments, I stop everything and make dua. I make dua that Allah clears my doubts and shows me an answer that will calm my heart. And He does, every time.

I do that, rather than get angry and frustrated, because I have faith, and faith comes from what? Trust. Think about your parents, sometimes your parents make decisions for you when you’re younger that you don’t understand at all. You might yell, scream and throw a tantrum about it as a kid, but when you grow up, you realize their intent was never to harm you; it was to help you, but in that moment, it felt so painful that it felt like harm. It’s funny, though, because those experiences are not specific to being young. They happen just as potently, if not more potently, when we grow older. You go through a breakup, and you hate them afterward because everything they did to you feels so painful. It’s different, though; they meant to harm you, they’re not like your parents. They meant to harm you and make you feel pain. These are ANT’s. Automatic Negative Thoughts (I’m using breakup as an example here, because I think in some way everyone has gone through one, whether it’s a friend, romantic partner, family member, etc. )

Those types of thoughts are what our mind feeds us, to help us channel our anger, sadness and grief. But it’s not real. I know it’s really hard to see, but it’s not real. Let me try my best to reframe it.

That moment when you realize that your parents were just trying to help you all along, what feeling do you feel there? Love, right. You feel loved and enlightened. You feel so happy to be wrong about your past feelings, and you release your negative emotions about the situation because they no longer apply. You feel so happy to be proven wrong. (Side note: this is why I love “failure” because it feels so good to know that icky perceptions I’ve cemented in my brain as my reality are really not my reality!, I feel so free when I fail, because afterwards, when I get what I want from another avenue, I realize how important that failure was for my process.) What if I told you that you could feel the same way about the breakup if you try? What if I told you a breakup has absolutely nothing to do with the other person, but everything to do with you?

You’re the one dealing with your feelings; they aren’t dealing with your feelings.

You’re the one picking yourself up; they aren’t the ones picking you up.

You’re the one choosing to keep trying, they aren’t the ones choosing to make you keep trying.

Now, if it’s you, that’s becoming this amazing, wonderful caterpillar turning into a butterfly, why are we still giving them the credit? Because we don’t trust. We don’t trust ourselves with what we will do the next time we face them. And how can we, our track records have shown us that we mess up, were not perfect, we say one thing and do another. So there’s only one potential answer, as there always is, Allah. The breakup is all about you coming closer to Allah.

You’re the one dealing with your feelings because Allah gave you the will to deal with your feelings.

You’re the one picking yourself up because Allah showed you that there are things you gotta get to and dead ends don’t really exist.

You’re the one choosing to keep trying, because Allah is showing you that there are things out there worth trying for, and the right things are just going to come to you.

Nothing happens without Allah’s will, and the second you think “You’re the one doing things”, you start losing sight of the One who was guiding you this whole time, and then you get arrogant. So the bottom line is, everything you face. Every adversity, every painful experience, every so-called failure (I don’t believe in failures), is literally just an opportunity to come back to Allah, to come back to your Creator and realign. Nothing can shake you once you realize it was never meant to harm you. It simply existed to mould you into the version of yourself that is ready to appreciate Allah for giving you everything you have, everything you want and more.

And can I share one more, even more beautiful thing about this realization? It’s that it works the same way vice versa.

You’re not the one dealing with their feelings; they’re dealing with their feelings.

You’re not the one picking them up; they are the ones picking themselves up.

You’re not the one choosing for them to keep trying; they are the ones who are choosing to keep trying.

Everyone is navigating their own lives to the best of their ability. Mom teaches me, and one day I will teach my own kids that no one’s all bad. As humans, we are quick to label people because it makes our perception of them more stable in our own minds, but what you call someone isn’t what they are. It’s just what YOU’RE calling them. It’s your perception, which, if you let it, can become your reality. So if you want to live in the reality that your, I don’t know, ex-best friend is a bitch. That’s up to you, but you’re just harming yourself and creating a negative state of mind for something that really doesn’t need that. It’s okay to not like someone, but it’s so much better for you if you just accept that right now, that friendship was not meant for you. You’ll feel so much more peace in knowing that you don’t control, you just have to be.